Mailbag

I'm so witty that some days I just can't stand myself. Cut and pasted, fresh from my email this week, for your viewing pleasure...

Sometimes I talk about my cat (like every day, ad nasuem) Tubby:

"Sissy told me Tubby was in her house about five times Sunday. Little B@st@rd.....she found him under her bed! The nerve! He stands at her back door waiting for one of the kids to open the door so he can slink in. When he doesn't come when I whistle, I walk across the street and he's sitting on the wicker couch on their back porch, ALL BY HIMSELF. I take that back, he's not a B@st@rd....he's an @sshole."

Sometimes a two year old needs to tell me what to do:

"I babysat last night and the baby was so cute I couldn't stand it. He was kinda sniffling and snotty and I asked him if he thought he needed some medicine.....and then (of course) every other minute he'd look at me seriously and say, "I think I need some medicine." So I go out to the kitchen and I'm looking at the daytime cold stuff on the counter and I'm thinking "Will this keep him up all night?" and I'm like, "Is this your medicine, baby?" And he's like, "I have the blue kind." Well there was no effing BLUE kind of medicine. I didn't know if Sissy had already given him some or what so I said, "Maybe I should call your mommy before I give you any medicine," and the little snippet goes and gets the phone, hands it to me and says, "Call Mommy."

Apparently I'm very worried about the state of my hair...affectionately known as "The Haystack", because I've become a septogenarian in recent weeks:

"I did the hot oil gig on my hair....it feels much less straw-ish, thanks. I hope I don't have to do that every shampoo to keep it from looking like a haystack. In ten minutes I'm going to be one of those old ladies that gets their head washed (that's what Gramma used to say) once a week. What's next? A bi-annual perm and a weekly wash and set??"

The answer is of course, yes. I need a standing weekly appointment because I am officially a thousand years old.

But of course Tubby Cat dominates my life and my email this week; ungrateful B@st@rd Cat that he is:

"I saw the attached (picture above) in a FARK comment and thought your Ding-Dong kitty was posing for pix in the tree in our d@mn back yard while I was busy working my tail off to buy the ungrateful little beast his kibble.

Obfuscate This, Tubby Mofo.