Cable

While I admit that I do have cable TV, I always qualify that by adding that I only get 20 channels. It's the cheapest thing you can get on my cable system ($12/month) called Lifeline. Time Warner doesn't even advertise it on their website...I think they're ashamed of it. I get the big three networks (of course) as well as PBS, UPN, Fox, the WB, TV Guide, QVC, HSN, C-Span, MTV2, CMT and some local access junk that's basically painful to watch. The sad part is that without my little Lifeline hookup, I can't even get the local channels. I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the whole concept of paying to watch TV....and I simply cannot bring myself to pay the $55/month for basic cable. So I suffer. But still I bitch.

What really grinds me is that my sister is constantly telling me about some show she just watched about some fantabulous faraway place, or the secret life of circus freaks, or the Top 20 inanimate objects that have been surgically removed from the human body; and I'm all like, well it must be nice to watch some circus freak show every now and again. When I get jealous, which is what invariably happens in these conversations, she tells me she has a hundred channels and there's never anything to watch, and it's just so not worth the money. Easy for her to say, after she's already had her fill of Headline News and AMC movies and E True Hollywood Damn Stories.

So the other night I was babysitting at Sissy's and spent the hours after I put the kids to bed with the digital remote glued to my hot little hand, flipping from channel to channel. E! completely disappointed me with a Paris Hilton video shoot documentary, followed by back to back Simpletons, I mean The Simple Life.

I had to pursue other avenues, like Discovery Health:

The Shrinking Woman - Okay, this show is just a train wreck. A 619 lb woman who had weight loss surgery and lost like three quarters of herself does not need to be nekkid on the TV, even with her privates pixilated. They kept surgically sawing away at her mountains of excess flesh; and yes, it was as horrific as it sounds.

We Lost 800 Lbs - Okay, they're not just obese, they're Super Obese. As near as I can figure, they both lay around in hospital beds wearing backless gowns all day, getting oxygen and feeding tubes and stuff. And that makes me wonder if those backless gowns had to be special ordered, or if every hospital has a few backless gowns on hand that can easily wrap around a 500 pound woman.

Frankly, I see more than enough cellulite and stretch marks when I look in the mirror, thank you very little.

I tried Food TV, but I couldn't really get into it after watching all the dang fat people so I flipped to HGTV for a while, thinking I could find Candice Olson (did she ever have that baby??) or Design On A Dime. I kinda hated the couple on House Hunters, but I thought The Junk Brothers had promise. It was kind of interesting for a while, but they kept showing the brother's muscles bulging in closeups as they picked up large hunks of wood and lugged them around. It was kind of like a Ty Pennington show without the hysteria.

After flipping through a hundred channels trying to find something interesting to watch, I determined that the best bet was probably American Masters on PBS about Albert Einstein's life.

And I could have watched that at home.