I went to work today with my shirt on INSIDE OUT.
Yeah. Top that.
It's a long sleeved t-shirt and it's tagless and the seams are all finished on the inside. I'm in the cafeteria getting coffee WHEN I MYSELF NOTICE IT'S ON INSIDE FRICKIN OUT.
I'd been at work for 45 minutes at that point. I'd been in contact with 45 coworkers by then. WTF??
So yeah. Is it any wonder I drink?
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Saturday, August 04, 2007
Bookmark
From the time my son was little until the horrible trauma of my parents both getting sick and then passing away in 2001, I read an average of two books a week, pretty much every week. I read detective stories, chick lit, best-sellers, some classics, a little bit of everything really, except fantasy. After my folks died, I wrote more than I read and I kind of lost my luster for reading what other people were writing, even though I was always reading something...I was averaging more like one book every month to two.
Then last fall my son was talking about this series that he's been reading for years called The Sword of Truth by Terry Goodkind, and I felt like maybe I needed to tackle this whole lack of reading issue from a completely different starting point. It's been a strange and interesting trip; this fantasy world of giant beasts and magic and wizards and warriors.
I'm on book four now; Temple of the Winds. True to form it's 500 pages of intrigue, blood and guts, plagues and monsters; and stuck in the middle? A receipt from a Speedway gas station in Youngstown dated 9/15/06, for two jumbo hot dogs and $26 bucks worth of gas, sold to guy named Glen by a girl named Angie. I've been using it as a bookmark.
And what do I know about Glen and Angie? Surprisingly, quite a bit.
Glen is apparently a regular Speedway customer with a rewards card, because there is a separate receipt detailing his balance of 15,973 points. He's probably earned his free dinner for two ($40.00 value) at Applebee's by now. I'm just saying.
And what do I know about Angie? Well I know she was obviously interested in Glen because she wrote her cell number down on the receipt. Which he apparently left in Temple of the Winds when he returned it to the Hooterville library.
I'm tempted to call Angie and find out what happened. Does she still work at Speedway? Did Glen ever call her? Does she even remember writing her number on his receipt? Are they in the process of living happily ever after together?
Every time I mark my place with that receipt I wonder if the fact that Glen left it in the book when he returned it means that he didn't care enough to even remember that he had her number. (Bastard!) Or had he already programmed it into his phone by then?
Now that's the stuff of fantasy.
Then last fall my son was talking about this series that he's been reading for years called The Sword of Truth by Terry Goodkind, and I felt like maybe I needed to tackle this whole lack of reading issue from a completely different starting point. It's been a strange and interesting trip; this fantasy world of giant beasts and magic and wizards and warriors.
I'm on book four now; Temple of the Winds. True to form it's 500 pages of intrigue, blood and guts, plagues and monsters; and stuck in the middle? A receipt from a Speedway gas station in Youngstown dated 9/15/06, for two jumbo hot dogs and $26 bucks worth of gas, sold to guy named Glen by a girl named Angie. I've been using it as a bookmark.
And what do I know about Glen and Angie? Surprisingly, quite a bit.
Glen is apparently a regular Speedway customer with a rewards card, because there is a separate receipt detailing his balance of 15,973 points. He's probably earned his free dinner for two ($40.00 value) at Applebee's by now. I'm just saying.
And what do I know about Angie? Well I know she was obviously interested in Glen because she wrote her cell number down on the receipt. Which he apparently left in Temple of the Winds when he returned it to the Hooterville library.
I'm tempted to call Angie and find out what happened. Does she still work at Speedway? Did Glen ever call her? Does she even remember writing her number on his receipt? Are they in the process of living happily ever after together?
Every time I mark my place with that receipt I wonder if the fact that Glen left it in the book when he returned it means that he didn't care enough to even remember that he had her number. (Bastard!) Or had he already programmed it into his phone by then?
Now that's the stuff of fantasy.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Vacation Conversation
Recorded faithfully: Boston MA, Monday June 25, 2007
In the cab on the way to dinner in Little Italy:
Liz: (answering phone) Hi Shirley! Yes....we're still alive and I'm pretty sure we have not been kidnapped. I'm going to keep this conversation going for a minute or two though so this cabbie with the huge scar on his neck knows that we are not without friends in this city!
Cin: (shouting) SO YOU WERE BORN IN AFRICA?!?
Cabbie: It's actually an island off the coast of Africa mumble mumble population mumble and then mumble mumble....
(At this point he turns and looks at me, smiling, clearly expecting something in the way of a response, while his giant neck scar twinkles in the glow of the streetlight. I shrug and smile in return.....WTF??)
Jack: No....the RESTAURANT is not called LITTLE ITALY.....the restaurant is LOCATED IN LITTLE ITALY.
Liz: (answering phone) Hi again Shirley! I'm pretty sure we're still alive and I'm pretty sure we haven't been kidnapped but I couldn't actually swear to it...
Cin: (shouting): SO HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN IN THE US?!?
Liz: (answering phone) Hi Michael!!! He says we're two minutes away. No....don't call 9-1-1 just yet....and don't tell Shirley but I really CANNOT say with absolute certainty that we absolutely HAVE NOT been kidnapped....
At dinner in Little Italy:
Shirley: What exactly IS a wild boar?
Mark: It's a pig that's severely p*ssed off.
Michael: Seriously, Mark. We all quit caring about that ten minutes ago.
Mark: Seriously, Liz. Did you just call our Shirley a wild whore?
Liz: Seriously, Mark. I’m calling you out. For real this time.
Walking past the fire station in Little Italy after dinner, chatting up the Firemen sitting out front in webbed lawn chairs:
Cin: Where would you guys recommend we go for a cocktail??
Jack: Hmmmm....off duty Firemen!!
Liz: If we can't get a ride on their fire engine, can we at least let Shirley slide down the fire pole?
At the Beer Garden (where they have only wine, beer and flavored liqueurs) in Little Italy AFTER walking past the fire station AFTER dinner:
Cin: Do you have raspberry Stoli?
Darling Waitress (who was very sweet and accommodating to a bunch of whack-jobs from out of state): No, we only have other stuff....not just what you people specifically want to drink at this moment.
Cin: Do you have any other kind of Stoli besides blueberry?
Waitress: We have blueberry!
Mark: I'll have the same thing only with soda.
Shirley: You don't have BV, do you?
Waitress: No. We only have some complicated Massechusetts (how in h#ll do you spell Massefrickingchewsetts anyway???) liquor liscence (apparently I can't spell that either!!) for beer, wine and some flavored liqueurs you mid-westerners would never drink. What we can sell is determined by sugar content, not by alcohol volume.
Shirley: Do you have any kind of whiskey?
Waitress: Uhhh. No.
Jack: So you don't have Jack Daniels?
Waitress: Uhhh. No.
Mark: Do you have scotch?
Waitress: Uhhh. No.
Mark: Do you have brandy?
Waitress: Yes!!
Group in Unison: Too bad none of us drink brandy.
Shirley: Do you have beer?
Waitress: Yes!!
Jack: I'll have a Bud Lite.
Shirley: I'll have the same, but Cindy will have to drink it for me.
Group in Unison: Excuse me, but can I change my order?
Michael: I have no idea who these people are or how I wound up with them.
Liz: That's okay; I don't mind drinking anything that contains alcohol. Honestly. I'm not kidding, lady!!! Bring back that Bud Lite!!!
On the way back to the hotel:
Pakistani Cabbie: Sorry for cutting you off, brother cabbie from another nation.
African American Cabbie: F*ck you! I will f*ck you up!
Cin: I insist you both play nice!
Pakistani Cabbie: Sh*t! This is not only a dead end; it's nowhere near where you people actually wanted me to take you!
Group in Unison: It's totally okay! We'll just get out here, thanks!
Michael: Let's hold hands and skip!!
Liz: I can't skip with you right now Michael.... I’m wearing flip-flops.
Cin: Don't look at me.... I’m wearing flip-flops too.
Mark: Is it me or is that cab following us down this dark and dead end street? Are we all going to die or is it my overactive imagination?
Michael: Just curious.... Does anyone else hear that dueling banjo music or is it just me?
Group in Unison: OMG!!! I hear Deliverance too!!
Later in the hotel bar:
Mark: I got this.
Liz: Oh.... I wasn't going to pay for this round. I was just looking for a Tums in my purse.
Michael: And I'm like, my dude is dead!
Liz: Both my brother and my son are going to kill me for telling this story.
Mark: You're the one that always wants to talk about balls, Liz.
Cin: Your family seems to have had an awful lot of groin surgery.
Liz: You mean kinda like an episiotomy?
Mark: Well generally, they're not exactly identical. One is usually bigger than the other, you know.
Liz: I'm not really sure which of you is the evil twin.
Cin: I think it changes from day to day.
Michael: Oh it's Mark.
Group in Unison, except for Liz: (Yawn) Time for bed. I'm so tired. Goodnight, everyone..... it’s been lovely, even though Liz insisted about talking about balls all frickin evening….
Liz: I refuse to leave this bar and go to bed unless you people give me the opportunity to talk about my C-Section twenty-one years ago! This is so not fair! I politely listened to your surgery stories! I want to drink some more!!!! Can't I at least ramble on about the cowboy for while!?!?!?
F*ckers.
In the cab on the way to dinner in Little Italy:
Liz: (answering phone) Hi Shirley! Yes....we're still alive and I'm pretty sure we have not been kidnapped. I'm going to keep this conversation going for a minute or two though so this cabbie with the huge scar on his neck knows that we are not without friends in this city!
Cin: (shouting) SO YOU WERE BORN IN AFRICA?!?
Cabbie: It's actually an island off the coast of Africa mumble mumble population mumble and then mumble mumble....
(At this point he turns and looks at me, smiling, clearly expecting something in the way of a response, while his giant neck scar twinkles in the glow of the streetlight. I shrug and smile in return.....WTF??)
Jack: No....the RESTAURANT is not called LITTLE ITALY.....the restaurant is LOCATED IN LITTLE ITALY.
Liz: (answering phone) Hi again Shirley! I'm pretty sure we're still alive and I'm pretty sure we haven't been kidnapped but I couldn't actually swear to it...
Cin: (shouting): SO HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN IN THE US?!?
Liz: (answering phone) Hi Michael!!! He says we're two minutes away. No....don't call 9-1-1 just yet....and don't tell Shirley but I really CANNOT say with absolute certainty that we absolutely HAVE NOT been kidnapped....
At dinner in Little Italy:
Shirley: What exactly IS a wild boar?
Mark: It's a pig that's severely p*ssed off.
Michael: Seriously, Mark. We all quit caring about that ten minutes ago.
Mark: Seriously, Liz. Did you just call our Shirley a wild whore?
Liz: Seriously, Mark. I’m calling you out. For real this time.
Walking past the fire station in Little Italy after dinner, chatting up the Firemen sitting out front in webbed lawn chairs:
Cin: Where would you guys recommend we go for a cocktail??
Jack: Hmmmm....off duty Firemen!!
Liz: If we can't get a ride on their fire engine, can we at least let Shirley slide down the fire pole?
At the Beer Garden (where they have only wine, beer and flavored liqueurs) in Little Italy AFTER walking past the fire station AFTER dinner:
Cin: Do you have raspberry Stoli?
Darling Waitress (who was very sweet and accommodating to a bunch of whack-jobs from out of state): No, we only have other stuff....not just what you people specifically want to drink at this moment.
Cin: Do you have any other kind of Stoli besides blueberry?
Waitress: We have blueberry!
Mark: I'll have the same thing only with soda.
Shirley: You don't have BV, do you?
Waitress: No. We only have some complicated Massechusetts (how in h#ll do you spell Massefrickingchewsetts anyway???) liquor liscence (apparently I can't spell that either!!) for beer, wine and some flavored liqueurs you mid-westerners would never drink. What we can sell is determined by sugar content, not by alcohol volume.
Shirley: Do you have any kind of whiskey?
Waitress: Uhhh. No.
Jack: So you don't have Jack Daniels?
Waitress: Uhhh. No.
Mark: Do you have scotch?
Waitress: Uhhh. No.
Mark: Do you have brandy?
Waitress: Yes!!
Group in Unison: Too bad none of us drink brandy.
Shirley: Do you have beer?
Waitress: Yes!!
Jack: I'll have a Bud Lite.
Shirley: I'll have the same, but Cindy will have to drink it for me.
Group in Unison: Excuse me, but can I change my order?
Michael: I have no idea who these people are or how I wound up with them.
Liz: That's okay; I don't mind drinking anything that contains alcohol. Honestly. I'm not kidding, lady!!! Bring back that Bud Lite!!!
On the way back to the hotel:
Pakistani Cabbie: Sorry for cutting you off, brother cabbie from another nation.
African American Cabbie: F*ck you! I will f*ck you up!
Cin: I insist you both play nice!
Pakistani Cabbie: Sh*t! This is not only a dead end; it's nowhere near where you people actually wanted me to take you!
Group in Unison: It's totally okay! We'll just get out here, thanks!
Michael: Let's hold hands and skip!!
Liz: I can't skip with you right now Michael.... I’m wearing flip-flops.
Cin: Don't look at me.... I’m wearing flip-flops too.
Mark: Is it me or is that cab following us down this dark and dead end street? Are we all going to die or is it my overactive imagination?
Michael: Just curious.... Does anyone else hear that dueling banjo music or is it just me?
Group in Unison: OMG!!! I hear Deliverance too!!
Later in the hotel bar:
Mark: I got this.
Liz: Oh.... I wasn't going to pay for this round. I was just looking for a Tums in my purse.
Michael: And I'm like, my dude is dead!
Liz: Both my brother and my son are going to kill me for telling this story.
Mark: You're the one that always wants to talk about balls, Liz.
Cin: Your family seems to have had an awful lot of groin surgery.
Liz: You mean kinda like an episiotomy?
Mark: Well generally, they're not exactly identical. One is usually bigger than the other, you know.
Liz: I'm not really sure which of you is the evil twin.
Cin: I think it changes from day to day.
Michael: Oh it's Mark.
Group in Unison, except for Liz: (Yawn) Time for bed. I'm so tired. Goodnight, everyone..... it’s been lovely, even though Liz insisted about talking about balls all frickin evening….
Liz: I refuse to leave this bar and go to bed unless you people give me the opportunity to talk about my C-Section twenty-one years ago! This is so not fair! I politely listened to your surgery stories! I want to drink some more!!!! Can't I at least ramble on about the cowboy for while!?!?!?
F*ckers.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Pop
What's the most important thing your father ever taught you?
Reading this thread on FARK this morning has got me thinking about men in general and fathers in particular, and what my father taught me about life:
*If you cheat you're not a winner.
*Your intentions are what really matters.
*It's important to always do the right thing.
*Any game with a time clock is inherently unfair.
*People who litter are idiots.
I wish my son had one iota of the respect for his father that I have for you.
We miss you every day, Pop.
Reading this thread on FARK this morning has got me thinking about men in general and fathers in particular, and what my father taught me about life:
*If you cheat you're not a winner.
*Your intentions are what really matters.
*It's important to always do the right thing.
*Any game with a time clock is inherently unfair.
*People who litter are idiots.
I wish my son had one iota of the respect for his father that I have for you.
We miss you every day, Pop.
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