Vacation Conversation

Recorded faithfully: Boston MA, Monday June 25, 2007

In the cab on the way to dinner in Little Italy:
Liz: (answering phone) Hi Shirley! Yes....we're still alive and I'm pretty sure we have not been kidnapped. I'm going to keep this conversation going for a minute or two though so this cabbie with the huge scar on his neck knows that we are not without friends in this city!
Cin: (shouting) SO YOU WERE BORN IN AFRICA?!?
Cabbie: It's actually an island off the coast of Africa mumble mumble population mumble and then mumble mumble....

(At this point he turns and looks at me, smiling, clearly expecting something in the way of a response, while his giant neck scar twinkles in the glow of the streetlight. I shrug and smile in return.....WTF??)

Jack: No....the RESTAURANT is not called LITTLE ITALY.....the restaurant is LOCATED IN LITTLE ITALY.
Liz: (answering phone) Hi again Shirley! I'm pretty sure we're still alive and I'm pretty sure we haven't been kidnapped but I couldn't actually swear to it...
Cin: (shouting): SO HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN IN THE US?!?
Liz: (answering phone) Hi Michael!!! He says we're two minutes away. No....don't call 9-1-1 just yet....and don't tell Shirley but I really CANNOT say with absolute certainty that we absolutely HAVE NOT been kidnapped....

At dinner in Little Italy:
Shirley: What exactly IS a wild boar?
Mark: It's a pig that's severely p*ssed off.
Michael: Seriously, Mark. We all quit caring about that ten minutes ago.
Mark: Seriously, Liz. Did you just call our Shirley a wild whore?
Liz: Seriously, Mark. I’m calling you out. For real this time.

Walking past the fire station in Little Italy after dinner, chatting up the Firemen sitting out front in webbed lawn chairs:
Cin: Where would you guys recommend we go for a cocktail??
Jack: Hmmmm....off duty Firemen!!
Liz: If we can't get a ride on their fire engine, can we at least let Shirley slide down the fire pole?

At the Beer Garden (where they have only wine, beer and flavored liqueurs) in Little Italy AFTER walking past the fire station AFTER dinner:
Cin: Do you have raspberry Stoli?
Darling Waitress (who was very sweet and accommodating to a bunch of whack-jobs from out of state): No, we only have other stuff....not just what you people specifically want to drink at this moment.
Cin: Do you have any other kind of Stoli besides blueberry?
Waitress: We have blueberry!
Mark: I'll have the same thing only with soda.
Shirley: You don't have BV, do you?
Waitress: No. We only have some complicated Massechusetts (how in h#ll do you spell Massefrickingchewsetts anyway???) liquor liscence (apparently I can't spell that either!!) for beer, wine and some flavored liqueurs you mid-westerners would never drink. What we can sell is determined by sugar content, not by alcohol volume.
Shirley: Do you have any kind of whiskey?
Waitress: Uhhh. No.
Jack: So you don't have Jack Daniels?
Waitress: Uhhh. No.
Mark: Do you have scotch?
Waitress: Uhhh. No.
Mark: Do you have brandy?
Waitress: Yes!!
Group in Unison: Too bad none of us drink brandy.
Shirley: Do you have beer?
Waitress: Yes!!
Jack: I'll have a Bud Lite.
Shirley: I'll have the same, but Cindy will have to drink it for me.
Group in Unison: Excuse me, but can I change my order?
Michael: I have no idea who these people are or how I wound up with them.
Liz: That's okay; I don't mind drinking anything that contains alcohol. Honestly. I'm not kidding, lady!!! Bring back that Bud Lite!!!

On the way back to the hotel:
Pakistani Cabbie: Sorry for cutting you off, brother cabbie from another nation.
African American Cabbie: F*ck you! I will f*ck you up!
Cin: I insist you both play nice!
Pakistani Cabbie: Sh*t! This is not only a dead end; it's nowhere near where you people actually wanted me to take you!
Group in Unison: It's totally okay! We'll just get out here, thanks!
Michael: Let's hold hands and skip!!
Liz: I can't skip with you right now Michael.... I’m wearing flip-flops.
Cin: Don't look at me.... I’m wearing flip-flops too.
Mark: Is it me or is that cab following us down this dark and dead end street? Are we all going to die or is it my overactive imagination?
Michael: Just curious.... Does anyone else hear that dueling banjo music or is it just me?
Group in Unison: OMG!!! I hear Deliverance too!!

Later in the hotel bar:
Mark: I got this.
Liz: Oh.... I wasn't going to pay for this round. I was just looking for a Tums in my purse.
Michael: And I'm like, my dude is dead!
Liz: Both my brother and my son are going to kill me for telling this story.
Mark: You're the one that always wants to talk about balls, Liz.
Cin: Your family seems to have had an awful lot of groin surgery.
Liz: You mean kinda like an episiotomy?
Mark: Well generally, they're not exactly identical. One is usually bigger than the other, you know.
Liz: I'm not really sure which of you is the evil twin.
Cin: I think it changes from day to day.
Michael: Oh it's Mark.
Group in Unison, except for Liz: (Yawn) Time for bed. I'm so tired. Goodnight, everyone..... it’s been lovely, even though Liz insisted about talking about balls all frickin evening….
Liz: I refuse to leave this bar and go to bed unless you people give me the opportunity to talk about my C-Section twenty-one years ago! This is so not fair! I politely listened to your surgery stories! I want to drink some more!!!! Can't I at least ramble on about the cowboy for while!?!?!?

F*ckers.